Friday Funnies – a few lawyer jokes

As Matt Damon’s character “Rudy Baylor” dryly narrated in The Rainmaker, lawyers tend to be okay with lawyer jokes – in fact, some wear them like a badge of honor (hey, you don’t hear all that many firemen, pool cleaner, or librarian jokes, do you?).

So in that spirit, and because it’s Friday, here are some tasteful (read: work-safe) lawyer jokes that may have you laughing and crying at the same time.

  • A man went to his lawyer and said, “I would like to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.” The lawyer said, “No problem, leave it all to me.” The man looked somewhat upset and said, “Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!”

  • Noticing they were having engine trouble, the pilot instructed the crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing. A few moments later, the pilot asked the attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “We’re all set back here, Captain,” an attendant replied. “Except for one lawyer who is still going around passing out his business cards.”

  • “You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. “If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.

  • Two lawyers entered the diner and ordered a couple of drinks. They then took sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat. Seeing this, the angry owner went over to them and said, “Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!” Shrugging their shoulders the lawyers exchanged sandwiches.

  • A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor (who happened to be a lawyer). Incensed at the theft, the butcher called his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?” The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.” said the butcher. A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

Happy weekend everyone!


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